50 Shades of Grey: The Inner Goddess Conundrum

Fully admitting I am jumping on the bandwagon with this one, the trailer for 50 Shades of Grey came out this week, sparking the usual conversations about the book and who will see it. I for one will see it on DVD with my sisters whilst drinking copious amounts of booze.

Now about the book, I only made it up to chapter 14 of the first one, since the moment Christian breaks into Ana’s place, ties her up and pretty much rapes her into submission, that is the moment you call it a day. One thing I hate about the book, is that the author knows jack about the BDSM Subculture, since any self-respecting Dominant would never produce a contract with their own terms and conditions and expect their Sub to sign it.

The Contract is based on mutual understanding and discussion, the Sub is the one who is giving over their power to said Dom, the rules have to be decided in advance, and the moment said Sub declares the safe words or changes to the contract, these are obeyed. And these are just the basics, what’s presented in this book is a narcissistic control freak who wants to abuse women. This is where we meet the Bella Swan expy of Anastasia Steele, who is so insecure of herself, she is perfect to become his prey. Since Christian is the type of asshole at the moment he finds out that Ana is a virgin, decides to blame her for being one. And this is the man that some woman cannot get enough of!

However since the book is seen from Ana’s perspective, she is joined psychologically by her “Inner Goddess”. Now thanks to wiki I have an understanding of what the hell this is.


“Inner goddess is a concept used in popular psychology and women’s circles to denote the feminine aspect of a woman’s psyche. When a woman is able to transcend inhibitive social expectations or perceived behavioural requirements and instead act in a way that is right for her, she is said be honouring her inner goddess. Anita defines the inner goddess as “… the beautiful, sassy, intuitive, lovable, sacred and authentic Self that we were born to be.”

Ok, right now my personal “Inner Goddess” has a cigarette in her left hand and a Jaffa cake in the right!

However, courtesy of http://neomam.com/fifty-shades-of-grey-infographic/

The phrase Inner Goddess is mentioned 53 times, normally dropping such pearls of wisdom as

“My inner goddess looks like someone snatched her ice cream.”

“My inner goddess sits in the lotus position looking serene except for the sly, self-congratulatory smile on her face.”

With all this being mentioned since the Inner Goddess seems to have more character than Ana, it seems strange that it’s not an actual character in the film.

In the final season of the Flintstones, a character came in called the Great Gazoo, an alien that crashed on earth that only Fred and Barney can see. Hilarity I imagined ensured, as this little green alien dropped profound quotes on the life of the modern stone age family, or life in an apocalyptic future, depending on how you look at it…I’m in the latter category if anyone is interested.

So to make 50 Shades, more entertaining the Inner Goddess should have been a character, someone on the fringes that pops in occasionally to make little comments on the situation, and perhaps “Doing the dance of the seven veils”. Just imagine this scene.

Ana: Please Mr Grey (she calls him that) oh please spank me Sir (yes, she calls him that too).

Christian: I’m going to beat your ass into oblivion (I have no idea if that is actual dialogue, but I think it is)

The Inner Goddess magically appears looks at the proceedings; looks at the camera, totally breaking the fourth wall and says “This is so messed up” and occasionally appearing reading a comic or smoking a cigarette whilst rolling its eyes at the audience.

So who should play this imaginary character, which is mentioned so many times?

It took a moment of thinking, but the only person I could think of was Tom Hiddleston .

It would break box office records!

It would break box office records!

Wouldn’t that be fantastic? A Geek Lord playing the Inner Goddess! Just imagine that beautiful succulent voice, calling Ana out on her stupidity and hopefully calling her a “Mewling Quim”

So this is my opinion of 50 Shades and the only way I can see to make it better.

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